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[09 Jan 2005|07:58pm] |
my dad's best friend is dying of lou gehrig's disease. he is nothing but skin and bones now.
i leave for florida tomorrow.
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[06 Jan 2005|10:04am] |
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clark threw up and pretended to be jesus.
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[03 Jan 2005|10:45pm] |
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music |
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xavier rudd -no woman no cry (download it!) |
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the days go by without a sound. the lights flicker down and down, and nothing is too crazy anymore, nothing is too much. no limitations surround me and i'm free. the world is big and i look foward to every next moment.
i leave for florida next thursday to visit em. we haven't seen each other since the day we meet, three and a half years ago. i'm not sure what to expect, but i know that it will be good, i know that meeting her was some kind of fate, and no matter happens or how we feel about each other, it is what is suppose to happen. part of me hopes i fall in love, and everything suddenly makes sense, becuase, well, I already feel that way about her; no matter what, i know that we do love each other. she is my best friend. our relationship is unexplainable, undefinable, and it means so much to me.
my time home has gone by fast, and although it's comfortable and familar, i know that it is not really my home anymore; i know that i'm never going to live here again. I couldn't live here again.
my grandpa is flying out to seattle to visit a woman he and my grandma have known for years. they didn't talk for many years, but after my grandma died, she wrote him a letter, tellig him her husband had past away also. they started writing, and now my grandfather is going ot ask her to marry him. i am so happy for him, i'm so grateful that he has found happiness once again. after grandma died, he was a lonely wreck, his heart and spirit died along with her. But now, he's excited about life again, and I know my grandma is smiling down at him. I think I'm going to fly home when we spread her ashes.
i decided to go on alternative spring break. i will be building a house in new jersey with habitat for hummanity.
the way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives and the days go like rockets.
my parents gave me a 400 dollar check to spend in flordia with em. they are way way too good to me. i bought us tickets to galactic at luther's blues. we're going to go out for dinner and eat amazing food and buy luna di luna wine and smoke good ganja and lay in the sun. we are going to listen to good music and relax and stay awake talking and watching movie after good movie. we are going to have fun with her friends and share stories and have the time of our life. we've been waiting for this for three years. i cannot wait. i'm nervous and excited and intoxicatingly spirtually high about seeing her and spending time with her.
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| newest slam |
[01 Jan 2005|07:53pm] |
do you ever dream of something different
a wild adventure that doesn’t seem like
it was ever meant for you to live out
a far off far fetched ideal life plan
that you constantly convince yourself
just wasn’t meant to be
three months in africa
two years in europe
six weeks on that yoga farm
in costa rica
three days with that girl
you met in san fransico
and promised to return to
sometime
you once told people that
this was your big plan
this is what you really wanted
and now you tell people
that this is what you thought about once
but not anymore
because you’re doing alright now
and it all seemed so romanticsimed
in retrospect
but maybe for once it’s time to let go
of holding back and give in
give in to everything
and anything that you
dream and imagine
maybe it’s time to throw away
the job that has been steady and decent
but never amazing never quite right
never quite what you invisioned
for yourself
when you still
had faith in dreams
and maybe it’s time to
say fuck it
fuck everything that
i had in line
so perfectly
so planned
so american
so blind
and maybe
maybe it’s time to just live
-ecb
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[24 Nov 2004|02:10pm] |
last weekend was great. friday night lily and i stayed on campus and had a dance party with wheels and mary. on saturday a huge group of us (me, christ, wheels emily, fc, amy, lily, jill, lauren, and mary) went to tripple Ds, got drunk, and sang karoke. it was great. it was nice that kelli finally met everyone. she came back to simmons and we all hung out for a while then went to bed. we all had a huge breakfast the next morning. it was brilliant. kelli stayed on campus all day which was great. we said goodbye for break, even though we ended up going to a movie together on monday instead of going to class and work.
of course it's strange to be back in wisconsin. but it's so nice to be in this house and with family. i love the quietness of wisconsin. all the space and openess and fresh air. the tress and red barns everywhere. the tiny towns. the state capitol. i really do love it.
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[20 Sep 2004|01:23pm] |
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my life is so crazy right now that it hardly feels like my own.
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[09 Sep 2004|11:33pm] |
wow. i have a huge crush on a beautiful girl. tomorrow we are going for a walk and eating lunch together.
i love everything about everything right now. life is so fucking unbelievably grande. i love love love this city.
today there was a meeting of queer college groups and i met a bunch of cool people. it's so strange and wonderful to be in a place where know one cares about sexuality. we talk about it in classes, on the street, everywhere and it's such a non issue. i fucking love it.
My writing classes are wonderful and the work isn't too hard.
it's hot as hell here. i can't wait for it to cool down a bit.
i'm going to go have a glass of tea.
what a random pile of shinanigans i just wrote about.
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[09 Sep 2004|12:43am] |
it's damn hot out and i can't sleep.
tonight i went to the cantab lounge in cambridge for a poetry slam. it was my first venture on the T by myself. was it the right T? no. but my first venture non the less. I ended up judging for the championship slam, which didn't end until midnight, and subsequently cuased me to miss the last T. I'm sure someone who knew what the hell they were doing would've made it in plenty-o-time, but let's face it, a squirrel knows more about what's going on in this city than i do. Soo, I spent eighteen dollars on a cab ride. Despite all of the chaos, it was an exciting journey.
the more i wander around boston, the more i see the midwest as part of my identity.
my mind is made for and lives for the city life. but every night, sirens blare through the window seeping into my insomnia, reminding me of the sounds of the lake and loons that so easily lulled me to sleep all summer. maybe all the noises will run together sometime soon.
i love my mcc class. my teacher is amazingly interesting as is the content of the course. beautiful sadee is in my class and that makes me happy. we're writing partners. so, i was sitting in my first class of my first day of my first year, nearly in tears because i was so happy. i couldn't wait to begin the assigned reading and write my paper and have her mark it with truth. and i loved college even more than i have the past two days. And then came french class. oh fuck. Seriously though, fucking eh not cool. I had no idea what was happening.
i see all these girls. i hear them. but so far, they are not tangiable. sometimes when i'm walking, i want to shout things like "hey you, let's go have an experiemental women's college sleepover party!" but, i'm afriad that might be coming on to strong.
i cannot sleep. it's damn hot. sometimes i just forget where i am and what i'm doing. and then i hear sirens or drunk yelling, and i remember, yes, that's right. i'm here.
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[07 Sep 2004|12:09am] |
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girls are pretty.
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[01 Sep 2004|07:23pm] |
comment here if you actually read my journal.
otherwise i'll probably delete you from my friend list.
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[22 Jul 2004|08:13pm] |
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i've fallen in love.
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| 3:40 am in boston |
[22 Jun 2004|03:57am] |
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music |
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the streets of boston |
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i'm in boston right now.
it's 3:40 in the morning.
i'm a mess of emotions tonight.
i love this school.
i hate feeling alone.
i can feel my entire life changing...
my entire self...
i'm living my dreams.
yet i'm also living my biggest fears...
i don't know what to write in here anymore.
i feel very alone tonight.
sometimes things, people, cannot be shared
and you just have to step back
and let converstions go unsaid
and other things left undone
because sometimes others need them even more.
but for the first time in my life,
i'm a comfort to my own self.
i know who i am.
i know what i believe in.
i have no regrets.
i've stayed strong
in every decision that i've made in my life.
and i'm not searching for myself
like i think that so many of the girls here are.
i'm searching for something so much bigger than myself....
and i have confidence that i will find it here.
i love this city
this school
and i love my life
this has been a day of ecstatic highs
and lonely lows
it's all been wonderful,
but i'm ready to go back to camp
i've got a lot of healing and growing and living to do this summer.
it's 3:40 am in boston.
life is strangly beautiful.
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[06 Jun 2004|08:46pm] |
i'm headin' out for the summer...
it will be about three months until my next post
time sure as hell flies by
everything in my life is changing
and i'm couldn't be happier
my goodbye party was a perfect send off
full of memories and confessions
we've been living the same life for so long
and now all of the sudden it's different
so many people spoke to me
about how they admire me so much
because i'm living my dreams
but i wish my friends would stop admiring me
and start living their dreams
i'm so ready for this
but i'm so dumbfounded at the same time
i can't wait to see how this summer impacts me
i can't wait to get out east
and live live live it up
it's time for me to go.
peace out for a while...
chapter two coming soon...............................
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[02 Jun 2004|08:28pm] |
i am not a hippie
i am not a punk
i am not a liberal
i am a revolutionarie
the revlolution is coming....
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[28 May 2004|12:08pm] |
a lot has happened over the last two days.
i found peace and closure with some huge issues in my life.
i'm ready for anything now.
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[24 May 2004|10:22pm] |
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music |
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belle and sabastian - boy with the arab stripe |
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saturday was an amazing night. i was honored with an activism award signed by senator russ feingold along with a hundred dollars and ate dinner with congresswoman tammy baldwin. i sat in room filled with some of the most amazing LGBT activists.
the entire night felt like a scene out of some queer coming of age movie. i said goodbye to my madison friends and everyone at GLSEN. i cried when sol and i hugged outside in the rain and said 'until next time.' after the banquet, her mom came up to me and said that i'm the person that sol will always compare people too and we have the type of connection that everyone in the world searches for. i love both of her moms. i love her.
my activism here has been truly fulfilling and i hope to continue it in various ways when i get to boston. it has connected me to some wonderful and inspiring people.
i have less than two weeks here. the more i think about it, the more i don't see myself coming back here for the summer. i'm going to start saving money to take a trip, and hopefully i'll find someone in the next 12 months to be my travel partner. who knows where we'll go, but it will be an adventure.
i'm not sure what this summer is going to bring but i'm pretty excited. i hope i meet some insteresting people. i hope everyone who comes to camp this summer has a really great time; the same way i did my first and second year there.
these days are coming to a close...
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| most likely to save the word....... |
[20 May 2004|08:52pm] |
wow. i was voted "most likely to save the world" by my high school class.
well fuck, so much for coming to high school reunions to brag about how many things i've accomplished:
"yeah, but did you save the world?"
i didn't even realize that people had this image of me. i guess i knew to some extent that people respected me, but i did not expect this.
i alienated myself from my peers for three years. i abanonded high school culture. i was never anyone but myself. i stayed out of drama. i didn't attend sport events ever. i didn't have a group of high school friends. i never gave a damn about what people thought of me and i always spoke my mind. i was a complete loner.
sometimes i forget how effen cool that is.
too bad kristie henslin beat me out for best legs and biggest flirt.
i had my heart set.
p.s. how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a: that's not funny.
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| everything is beautiful |
[12 May 2004|08:34am] |
last night was incredible.
laura and i met these two beautiful women at open mic. mirah and serria. mirah had an amzing voice. they're from colorado, and for the past couple of moths they've been traveling around together ended up in small town wisconsin.
i could not take my eyes off of mirah. after she played, i jotted down a note telling her that i thought she was beautiful and that if she ever wanted a place to stay in boston she should keep in touch. she came over and hugged laura and i. my heart fluttered. upclose i realized she was probably 24 or 25. she was so beautiful. i wanted to talk to her more. and do more than talk.
i can't wait to fall in love. i want to fall in love again and again until my heart can't take it anymore. i want to experience life with someone and know her and travel with her and take life as it comes. i looked at her and felt like i could've fallen in love with her then and there. love is everywhere in so many different people, in so many different places.
looking at her, i could see her heart. i could see her. it was such a beautiful experience.
it reminds me of how i always want to tell people how beautiful they are, but so often i fail to do so, and words and feelings get lost and forgotten and put away. i don't want to put them away anymore.
laura and i decided that we would make good traveling friends; we want to travel together. there aren't a lot of people i could see myself traveling with, but she has definitly become someone i could easily spend long amounts with. i can't wait to travel and meet people and develop a crazy circle of friends and lovers.
i know that whatever i decide to do with my life, it's going to lead me to exactly what i love and want to do. i love the fact that i have the power to make choices and live the life i've dreamt about.
i know what i want and it feels so good.
i know exactly what i want.
i can't define or explain it
but i know
and i'll know how to make it happen
because i see the path
i just can't see what's on it.
she was so beautiful. i hope she emails me. i hope our paths cross again.
only two more open mics.
i can't believe it.
things have been the same for so long.
and then they just change.
change is beautiful.
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alors's journal
